I just saw this (the succubus) episode recently. It has one of my favorite South Park moments:

THOMAS
Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?

STAN
No, that’s okay.

THOMAS
Ooh, it must’ve been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.

NELLIE
We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said “Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!”

THOMAS
It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,-

NELLIE
Oh, it was so scary!

THOMAS
-and I yelled. I said, “What do you want from us, monster?!” And the monster bent down and said, “…Uh I need about tree-fitty.”

KYLE
What’s tree-fitty?

THOMAS
Three dollars and fifty cents.

NELLIE
Tree-fitty.

STAN
He wanted money?

THOMAS
That’s right. I said “I ain’t giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!”

NELLIE
I gave him a dollar.

THOMAS
She gave him a dollar.

NELLIE
I thought he’d go away if I gave him a dollar.

THOMAS
Well of course he’s not gonna go away, Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he’s gonna assume you got more!

[some time passes...]

THOMAS
…And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-

NELLIE
August.

THOMAS
-August. There’s a knock on the door. I open it, and there’s this cute little girl scout-

NELLIE
And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and all.

THOMAS
-And she says to me, “How would you like to buy some cookies?” And I said “Well, what kind do you have?” She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-

NELLIE
Raisin oatmeal.

THOMAS
-Raisin oatmeal, and I said “We’ll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?” And she looks at me and she says, “…Uh I need about tree-fitty.”

NELLIE
…Tree-fitty.

THOMAS
Well, it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.

NELLIE
The Loch Ness monster.

THOMAS
I said, “Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain’t giving you no tree-fitty!” It said, “how about just two-fitty?” I said, “Oh, now it’s only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!”

NELLIE
Lord, he was angry.

THOMAS
Damn right, I was angry!

NELLIE
Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.

THOMAS
Aah, shut your mouth, woman!

[some time passes...]

THOMAS
…And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right? They was probing me and all that.

NELLIE
We had taco salad that night.

THOMAS
Don’t matter what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me. I said, “What do you want from me, alien?!” and do you know what he said?

NELLIE
Tree-fitty.

THOMAS
Uh. Let me tell the damn story now! He said, “tree-fitty.” And so I realized I that it wasn’t no alien, it was that God-damned Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty by dressing up like an alien. Don’t that just beat all?!

NELLIE
I had just given him tree-fitty the week before.

THOMAS
What?! You gave that monster another damn tree-fitty?!

NELLIE
He tricked me.

THOMAS
Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it tree-fitty!

Trackback URL